Post by awizard on Jul 2, 2006 3:02:32 GMT -5
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~~~WATCH MY DRINKING"~~~
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO WATCH MY DRINKING.
NOW I DRINK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. (RODNEY DANGERFIELD)
~~~WOMAN DRIVERS~~~
DRIVING TO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING ON THE INTERSTATE, I LOOKED OVER TO MY LEFT AND THERE WAS A WOMAN IN A BRAND NEW MUSTANG DOING 65 MPH WITH HER FACE UP AGAINST THE REAR VIEW MIRROR PUTTING ON HER EYELINER!
I LOOKED AWAY FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND WHEN I LOOKED BACK SHE WAS HALFWAY OVER IN MY LANE, STILL WORKING ON THAT MAKEUP!!! IT SCARED ME (I'M A MAN) SO BAD, I DROPPED MY ELECTRIC RAZOR, WHICH KNOCKED THE DONUT OUT OF MY OTHER HAND.
IN ALL THE CONFUSION OF TRYING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE CAR USING MY KNEES AGAINST THE STEERING WHEEL, IT KNOCKED MY CELL PHONE AWAY FROM MY EARS WHICH FEEL INTO THE COFFEE BETWEEN MY LEGS, SPLASHED AND BURNED BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, RUINED THE DAMN PHONE AND DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!
YUP, IT'S JUST GOT TO BE THOSE WOMEN DRIVES!!!!!! DUH!
~~~SLEEP~~~
I LOVE TO SLEEP. IT REALLY IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. YOU GET TO BE ALIVE AND UN-CONSCIENCE.
~~~FUNNY FACTS = FUNNY TRIVIA AND UNBELIEVABLE FACTS~~~
FUNNY LAW FACT: IN WEST VIRGINIA, ONLY BABIES CAN RIDE IN A BABY CARRIAGE.
STATISTICAL FACTS: YOU USE MORE CALORIES EATING CELERY THAN THERE ARE IN THE CELERY ITSELF.
WEIRD FACTS: IN MICHIGAN, IT IS ILLEGAL TO CHAIN AN ALLIGATOR TO A FIRE HYDRANT.
~~~~ EVERYTHING I NEED ~~~~
A MARRIED COUPLE IS DRIVING DOWN THE INTERSTATE DOING 55 MPH. THE HUSBAND IS BEHIND THE WHEEL. HIS WIFE LOOKS OVER AT HIM AND SAYS, "HONEY, I KNOW WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS, BUT, I WANT A DIVORCE." THE HUSBAND SAYS NOTHING BUT SLOWLY INCREASES THE SPEED TO 60 MPH. SHE THEN SAYS, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO TRY AND TALK ME OUT OF IT, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, AND HE'S A MUCH BETTER LOVER THAN YOU." AGAIN THE HUSBAND STAYS QUIET AND JUST SPEEDS UP, AND NOW IS DOING 70 MPH. SHE SAYS, "I WANT THE KIDS TOO." HE JUST KEEPS DRIVING FASTER AND FASTER, NOW HE'S UP TO 80 MPH. SHE SAYS, " I ALSO WANT THE CAR, THE CHECKING ACCOUNT, AND ALL THE CREDIT CARDS,TOO. THE HUSBAND SLOWLY STARTS TO VEER TOWARD A BRIDGE OVERPASS PILING, A SHE SAYS, " IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT?" THE HUSBAND SAYS, "NO, I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED." SHE ASKS '"WHAT'S THAT?" THE HUSBAND REPLIES JUST BEFORE THEY HIT THE THE WALL AT 90 MPH, "I'VE GOT THE AIRBAG."
KEEP SMILING EVERYONE.
~~~WATCH MY DRINKING"~~~
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO WATCH MY DRINKING.
NOW I DRINK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. (RODNEY DANGERFIELD)
~~~WOMAN DRIVERS~~~
DRIVING TO THE OFFICE THIS MORNING ON THE INTERSTATE, I LOOKED OVER TO MY LEFT AND THERE WAS A WOMAN IN A BRAND NEW MUSTANG DOING 65 MPH WITH HER FACE UP AGAINST THE REAR VIEW MIRROR PUTTING ON HER EYELINER!
I LOOKED AWAY FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND WHEN I LOOKED BACK SHE WAS HALFWAY OVER IN MY LANE, STILL WORKING ON THAT MAKEUP!!! IT SCARED ME (I'M A MAN) SO BAD, I DROPPED MY ELECTRIC RAZOR, WHICH KNOCKED THE DONUT OUT OF MY OTHER HAND.
IN ALL THE CONFUSION OF TRYING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE CAR USING MY KNEES AGAINST THE STEERING WHEEL, IT KNOCKED MY CELL PHONE AWAY FROM MY EARS WHICH FEEL INTO THE COFFEE BETWEEN MY LEGS, SPLASHED AND BURNED BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, RUINED THE DAMN PHONE AND DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!
YUP, IT'S JUST GOT TO BE THOSE WOMEN DRIVES!!!!!! DUH!~~~SLEEP~~~
I LOVE TO SLEEP. IT REALLY IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. YOU GET TO BE ALIVE AND UN-CONSCIENCE.
~~~FUNNY FACTS = FUNNY TRIVIA AND UNBELIEVABLE FACTS~~~
FUNNY LAW FACT: IN WEST VIRGINIA, ONLY BABIES CAN RIDE IN A BABY CARRIAGE.
STATISTICAL FACTS: YOU USE MORE CALORIES EATING CELERY THAN THERE ARE IN THE CELERY ITSELF.
WEIRD FACTS: IN MICHIGAN, IT IS ILLEGAL TO CHAIN AN ALLIGATOR TO A FIRE HYDRANT.
~~~~ EVERYTHING I NEED ~~~~
A MARRIED COUPLE IS DRIVING DOWN THE INTERSTATE DOING 55 MPH. THE HUSBAND IS BEHIND THE WHEEL. HIS WIFE LOOKS OVER AT HIM AND SAYS, "HONEY, I KNOW WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS, BUT, I WANT A DIVORCE." THE HUSBAND SAYS NOTHING BUT SLOWLY INCREASES THE SPEED TO 60 MPH. SHE THEN SAYS, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO TRY AND TALK ME OUT OF IT, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, AND HE'S A MUCH BETTER LOVER THAN YOU." AGAIN THE HUSBAND STAYS QUIET AND JUST SPEEDS UP, AND NOW IS DOING 70 MPH. SHE SAYS, "I WANT THE KIDS TOO." HE JUST KEEPS DRIVING FASTER AND FASTER, NOW HE'S UP TO 80 MPH. SHE SAYS, " I ALSO WANT THE CAR, THE CHECKING ACCOUNT, AND ALL THE CREDIT CARDS,TOO. THE HUSBAND SLOWLY STARTS TO VEER TOWARD A BRIDGE OVERPASS PILING, A SHE SAYS, " IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT?" THE HUSBAND SAYS, "NO, I'VE GOT EVERYTHING I NEED." SHE ASKS '"WHAT'S THAT?" THE HUSBAND REPLIES JUST BEFORE THEY HIT THE THE WALL AT 90 MPH, "I'VE GOT THE AIRBAG."
KEEP SMILING EVERYONE.